I saw something that I wasn’t supposed to, and now I want to know more about her. My heart is beating faster than it should. Can it be true? Did she have it too? Is she like me in any way? Does she enjoy the things I do? Or does she have a little more fun doing things that others do not dare?
I’ve been waiting for this moment for three years and now when it’s all about to unfold, I have fear in my mind, insanity cropping up. It is like my mind and actions of the body betray each other. My body is held by an unknown force, grabbed and pinned, impossible to move. But let’s be honest I have to do it, and I have to do it now.
I can’t get my mind off her… her bag, those… those things. How can she not be afraid of having them in a bag? She sometimes seems like a friend, sometimes a stranger and the other times too intimidating. I have no intentions of knowing her secrets; I just want to share mine and give them a healthy outlet, an outlet where they won’t be tamed by the judgement of others, and somehow I know this is my only shot at the unachievable.
Next morning, I walk up to our class a little early knowing that she must be in her usual spot, not looking anyone in the eye, hiding herself from the world and trying to show a different face of herself which is nothing but a false, blurry image of herself with which she keeps others at a distance, but not me, I am like her. She does not look at me, but somehow she seems to know the darkest of my secrets. There’s time, and there’s chance as I have a full five minutes to unravel a part of me until the curious pour in deafening the silence of the class.
I go up to her and sit next to her, preparing and rehearsing questions, answers and everything in between. I look at her from the corner of my eyes. She is still all consumed in the worlds of Virginia Woolf. She does not seem to notice my presence. Am I not-existant for her? Or is she trying on the same mask that she wears in front of the rest of them for hiding the darkness? She has done this for way too long, and I do not intend to break open her mask I just want to… I don’t know what I want from her. There is something very compelling that pulls me in her direction, telling me that she has all the answers I need.
Then something happened, I heard a murmur, no, it’s her, her voice. It is lower and calmer than I expected.
“I know what you want. Ask the right questions otherwise you lose the one tiny hope of putting the pieces of the puzzle together”, she says in a breath. I just sit there astonished out of my brains.
-To be continued.